AND THE AWARD GOES TO...

WE’VE read countless annual reviews, griped over XfM’s choice of The Killers’ Mr Brightside as the top song of all time and have been quite proud to be left out of the Queen’s New Year’s Honours list.
Now, in the hope of being the first official music awards of the year, here are Tutankarbon's alternative prizes...

GLASTONBURY AWARD FOR MOST DRENCHED FESTIVAL – The Camden Crawl
Rain or shine we love it, you’re only ever seconds away from a venue to shelter in, but this year really tested our resolve. As we said at the time, rivers of black eyeliner ran down Camden High Street as someone in the heavens chucked buckets at the dedicated music fans swimming their way from gig to gig.

MOST WELL-INTENTIONED BUT ILL-JUDGED SPECIAL EFFECT – Kiss, 02 Academy Islington

They just wanted to give fans a taste of the stadium experience. But poor Kiss’ plans to set off ticker tape from huge cannons backfired as they accidentally suffocated themselves and their fans – cutting short their encore. There’s a reason they’re usually reserved for the arenas guys.

MALCOLM TUCKER AWARD FOR MOST DIPLOMATIC WARDROBE CHOICE – Missy Elliott, Wireless

She probably thought it was a nice gesture – wearing a German tracksuit from sponsors Adidas while their national team battled it out in South Africa. But Missy didn’t count on a bunch of sour-faced England fans, who booed and threw bottles at her, still sore at the country’s loss days earlier.

MOST RIB-CRUSHING GIG – Rage Against the Machine, Finsbury Park

We thought we’d planned it so well – close enough to see, far enough back to avoid being sucked into a mosh-pit stew of fists and feet. I even took my earrings off just in case. But from the very first bass note, the entire crowd contracted, we were lifted off our feet, flung across a molten sea of black t-shirts and banging heads before being dropped into the centre of the pit. Bones could be felt cracking and the mission to get to the edge of park was greater than any Labyrinth-type adventure. Phenomenal gig.

MOST WANTED MUSICIAN (for about five minutes) – Lowkey
He loves a good cause this one. Lowkey visited students at Camden School for Girls protesting at the planned university fees hike. Hours later, he appeared on the front of a number of national newspapers as one of the people police wanted to speak to in connection with protest violence. Of course nothing came of it and he doesn’t seem to be wanted but seeing his face in the rogues gallery it gave his fans a swift shock.

BIGGEST INSULT TO VISITING US ARTISTS – Wireless (Missy Elliott) and The Roundhouse (Talib Kweli)
I know they had their reasons, but pulling the plug on artists mid-song just is not cool. If they are running over, let them get to the end of the song. Leaving Missy and Kweli standing there, mic and music turned off, looking like fools, is not the way to make friends and can only end badly.

VENUE TO SCORE BEST SECRET GIG – Dingwalls – The Strokes

There was hysteria when news broke out that Dingwalls was going to host The Strokes’ comeback. Tickets were harder to find than a music store in Camden and there was no need for contact lenses from Cyberdog for those that missed out – the green eyes could be seen from outer space.

VENUE TO LOSE HUGE SECRET GIG – Dingwalls – Guns ‘n Roses

Dingwalls had to issue an 11th-hour cancellation after learning Axl and co wouldn’t be venturing our way, causing some anger but also a lot of relief from those who wish G n’ R would cut their losses and stop ruining the memory of their best work.

MOST MIDDLE-CLASS MOSH – Jamie Cullum, Kenwood
In among the vin, the pain and the Boursin, the picnic baskets were overturned, cheese knives waved in the air and Jamie Cullum’s encore became the oddest, multi-aged mosh-pit in the shadows of Kenwood House.

MOST GENEROUS HEADLINE PERFORMANCE (TAKE NOTE KANYE) – Jay-Z, Wireless

Unlike Kanye’s headline turn the year before, Jay-Z’s not mean with his time, his words, or his songs and there was not a hint of self-indulgence about his show.

SPECIAL AWARD FOR THE BAND AT THE CENTRE OF THE BIGGEST OFFICE ROW – N-Dubz

Yes Dappy, Fazer and Tulisa, you caused fireworks at my office earlier this year. No need to go into it now, suffice to say – I was on your side.

FAREWELL TO – The Luminaire, The Flowerpot and possibly The 100 Club
HELLO TO – The Wheelbarrow, Nambucca (just reopened).

A LONG WEEK IN MUSIC, RIB-CRACKING AT RAGE, SCRAMBLE FOR THE STROKES AND MORE

IT feels like the longest week in music ever. From being conflicted listening to the beautiful tones of Hasidic reggae artist Matisyahu (but not so sure about his politics) at Dean Street Studios on Wednesday, to the politics-free zone at the front row for Usher’s special show at Koko (he was all about the ladies and the poses) on Friday, to feeling every rib in my body on the verge of cracking in the manic moshpit at Rage Against the Machine at Finsbury Park on Sunday, to the (failed) battle for tickets for The Strokes’ secret gig as Venison at Dingwalls last night. This is the place to be if you love music. And it’s not over yet. New Young Pony Club and fave band Hurts are at Dingwalls tonight (Thursday).

• There’s a timely appearance from Big Brother’s tantrum princess Nikki on Friday at The Monarch. We’re hearing it’s gonna be like Phoebe from Friends. Disaster/Car crash entertainment? Can't imagine you'll be able to tear your eyes away.

• Thousands crashed Dingwalls’ website in a desperate scramble for Strokes tickets. We tweeted this early – before most music press had got their acts together thanks to trusty local contacts – follow me @roisingadelrab

• This Teenage Cancer Trust Topshop Summer Bandstand picnic at Regent’s College (June 12) could be a winner. Charlotte Hatherley (ex-Ash), Chew Lips, Goldheart Assembly and Stricken City + DJ sets from New Young Pony Club, and Girlcore are on the bill. Bring a picnic as the whole area is transformed into one big picnic ground with games, rollerskating, egg and spoon races and sports day games.

• I confess I used to love this guy’s curly mop-top (remember Sandstorm, Walk Away and Alright?) – former Cast frontman and ex-bassist for The La’s John Power will be singing Cast hits at the Luminaire (June 17). 

RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE'S VICTORY SHOW - ANARCHY IN FINSBURY PARK

OK, I can admit when I’m wrong. Yes, the mid-30s crowd did turn up to Finsbury Park to witness Rage Against the Machine’s victory show on Sunday, but they were vastly outnumbered by a younger wave of mosh-ready devotees.

While the “oldies” gathered around the fringes, the hardened fans were ready to turn the entire park into one swirling whirlpool of flailing legs, fists and elbows. 

Such was the popularity of this particularly sweary gig that hundreds gathered outside the barriers, hoping to find a way in. And they lived out the reactionary sentiment, rushing the hoardings, overpowering the five security guards and finally making it through.

(see footage here - http://www.twitvid.com/IPAFG )

Whether it be the shoddy sound system, or maybe he just wasn’t feeling it, support Roots Manuva sadly failed, leaving the crowd seriously underwhelmed.

But mental electro DJs South Central took over, stirring things up into a frenzied rave, but making a quick exit when some impatient fans began pelting them with bottles.

Gogol Bordello killed it. Their rousing gypsy rock was the ideal precursor to an incredible set from Rage and they were serious contenders for best act of the night.

Clearly milking their X-Factor victory for all its worth, but with tongue in cheek, Rage came on to an animated Simon Cowell video, later playing defeated Joe McElderry’s Christmas number 2 just before the encore.

The set was a gracious one, they covered all the big hits, brought out the Facebook group founders – whose internet campaign projected them back to UK stardom – to thank them and handed over 100 per cent of profits from winning single Killing in the Name Of to Shelter.

They didn't have to put so much effort into this, it was completely free after all. But they played it like each of the 40,000 fans had paid them to play a private set.

It was manic, unruly, messy, rebellious – calling on US government to condemn counterparts in Israel – dangerous (we nearly died in the mosh pit) and glorious. 

RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE'S X-FACTOR REBELLION TUCKED IN BED BY 11PM

MY jewellery collection is a graveyard of single earrings, separated from their partners once lost to the many Rage Against the Machine-inspired moshpits of days gone by.

So the plan – when they play their free Finsbury Park gig on Sunday – is to either stand safely at the back, or leave the earrings at home.

The BBC weatherman predicts temperatures of 25 degrees so it should be a joyful day, if a relatively early night.

In 1992, their eponymous debut album served a great purpose. 

It was an outlet for teenagers everywhere to let off steam within the safe confines of the nearest indie/metal club or locked away in their bedrooms.

Singles Bombtrack, Killing in the Name and Bullet in the Head were anthems for our angst.

And it felt good when we managed to convince the DJ to play these 'provocative', political tracks at the school disco. But then we grew up and, apart from keeping a nostalgic admiration for these standout tracks, oft revived on road trips, many of us forgot about Rage altogether.
That's not to say they haven't maintained a loyal following.

I can’t say I’m familiar with much subsequent work, though this doesn’t make the prospect of seeing them live at Finsbury Park any less attractive.

It’s odd to think that the only reason Rage are coming to Finsbury Park at all is thanks to X-Factor.

Perhaps it's fitting that this eccentric event – a thanks to the thousands that helped screw with the man by subverting the Christmas number one, and dashing the hopes of the latest forgettable X-Factor finalist at the same time – is finishing at the tame old time of 10.30pm.

Will there be riots down Blackstock Road as the park gates shut? Or will the 30-something Rage fans hop into their cars and return home to bed before 11pm, basking in the glow of a nicely controlled bit of reactionary revelry?

Support comes from gypsy punk group Gogol Bordello, rapper Roots Manuva and punk band Gallows.