AND THE AWARD GOES TO...

WE’VE read countless annual reviews, griped over XfM’s choice of The Killers’ Mr Brightside as the top song of all time and have been quite proud to be left out of the Queen’s New Year’s Honours list.
Now, in the hope of being the first official music awards of the year, here are Tutankarbon's alternative prizes...

GLASTONBURY AWARD FOR MOST DRENCHED FESTIVAL – The Camden Crawl
Rain or shine we love it, you’re only ever seconds away from a venue to shelter in, but this year really tested our resolve. As we said at the time, rivers of black eyeliner ran down Camden High Street as someone in the heavens chucked buckets at the dedicated music fans swimming their way from gig to gig.

MOST WELL-INTENTIONED BUT ILL-JUDGED SPECIAL EFFECT – Kiss, 02 Academy Islington

They just wanted to give fans a taste of the stadium experience. But poor Kiss’ plans to set off ticker tape from huge cannons backfired as they accidentally suffocated themselves and their fans – cutting short their encore. There’s a reason they’re usually reserved for the arenas guys.

MALCOLM TUCKER AWARD FOR MOST DIPLOMATIC WARDROBE CHOICE – Missy Elliott, Wireless

She probably thought it was a nice gesture – wearing a German tracksuit from sponsors Adidas while their national team battled it out in South Africa. But Missy didn’t count on a bunch of sour-faced England fans, who booed and threw bottles at her, still sore at the country’s loss days earlier.

MOST RIB-CRUSHING GIG – Rage Against the Machine, Finsbury Park

We thought we’d planned it so well – close enough to see, far enough back to avoid being sucked into a mosh-pit stew of fists and feet. I even took my earrings off just in case. But from the very first bass note, the entire crowd contracted, we were lifted off our feet, flung across a molten sea of black t-shirts and banging heads before being dropped into the centre of the pit. Bones could be felt cracking and the mission to get to the edge of park was greater than any Labyrinth-type adventure. Phenomenal gig.

MOST WANTED MUSICIAN (for about five minutes) – Lowkey
He loves a good cause this one. Lowkey visited students at Camden School for Girls protesting at the planned university fees hike. Hours later, he appeared on the front of a number of national newspapers as one of the people police wanted to speak to in connection with protest violence. Of course nothing came of it and he doesn’t seem to be wanted but seeing his face in the rogues gallery it gave his fans a swift shock.

BIGGEST INSULT TO VISITING US ARTISTS – Wireless (Missy Elliott) and The Roundhouse (Talib Kweli)
I know they had their reasons, but pulling the plug on artists mid-song just is not cool. If they are running over, let them get to the end of the song. Leaving Missy and Kweli standing there, mic and music turned off, looking like fools, is not the way to make friends and can only end badly.

VENUE TO SCORE BEST SECRET GIG – Dingwalls – The Strokes

There was hysteria when news broke out that Dingwalls was going to host The Strokes’ comeback. Tickets were harder to find than a music store in Camden and there was no need for contact lenses from Cyberdog for those that missed out – the green eyes could be seen from outer space.

VENUE TO LOSE HUGE SECRET GIG – Dingwalls – Guns ‘n Roses

Dingwalls had to issue an 11th-hour cancellation after learning Axl and co wouldn’t be venturing our way, causing some anger but also a lot of relief from those who wish G n’ R would cut their losses and stop ruining the memory of their best work.

MOST MIDDLE-CLASS MOSH – Jamie Cullum, Kenwood
In among the vin, the pain and the Boursin, the picnic baskets were overturned, cheese knives waved in the air and Jamie Cullum’s encore became the oddest, multi-aged mosh-pit in the shadows of Kenwood House.

MOST GENEROUS HEADLINE PERFORMANCE (TAKE NOTE KANYE) – Jay-Z, Wireless

Unlike Kanye’s headline turn the year before, Jay-Z’s not mean with his time, his words, or his songs and there was not a hint of self-indulgence about his show.

SPECIAL AWARD FOR THE BAND AT THE CENTRE OF THE BIGGEST OFFICE ROW – N-Dubz

Yes Dappy, Fazer and Tulisa, you caused fireworks at my office earlier this year. No need to go into it now, suffice to say – I was on your side.

FAREWELL TO – The Luminaire, The Flowerpot and possibly The 100 Club
HELLO TO – The Wheelbarrow, Nambucca (just reopened).

IN THE MOSHPIT WITH JAMIE CULLUM

IF EVER there was a night for curling up in pyjamas and pretending the world doesn't exist, it was the eve of Saturday, August 16.
Kenwood House was enveloped in a cloud of mist as thousands of hardy Jamie Cullum fans broke out of their comfortable living rooms, and traipsed through the marsh-like grass to see him play.

The lucky ones who lounged in deckchairs looked strangely out of place in the August dusk disguised as November.
But Cullum didn't care.
If you're cold, dance around like me, was his advice and, judging by his relentless, uncorkable effervescence, he was probably right.
However the brie-eating crowd was too wrapped up in blankets and waterproofs to budge.

Cullum ran through the favourites, played the odd adapted cover – Radiohead's High and Dry, Rihanna's Please Don't Stop the Music – and dedicated Moon River to his wife's (Sophie Dahl), recently departed grandmother actress Patricia Neal.

He brought his brother Ben on for a couple of tracks, a singer with an almost equally attractive tone to his voice and they jazzed up a few more tunes, adding a comic edge with lyrics like “we may be middle class white boys from Wiltshire but we've still got the blues”.

Cullum, newly married, adapted the lyrics to Twentysomething, to reflect the fact that he's graduated to his 31st year on this earth. 

I never expected a Jamie Cullum gig to end with a mosh pit at the front, but, after he and band did their encore party piece of taking their instruments into the crowd for a quick busking sessions, the cheese knives and picnic baskets went haywire, the wine glasses shot up into the air and the multi-generation moshing began.
An eccentric evening, made all the more enjoyable by Cullum's infectious enthusiasm and self-deprecating stories.
BLOB The final concert of the season – The Last Night of the Kenwood Proms – takes place on Saturday with classical teen sensation and Britain’s Got Talent star, Faryl Smith and acclaimed tenor and star of the Go Compare adverts, Wynne Evans. Accompanied by the National Symphony Orchestra, this performance will be conducted by Anthony Inglis, featuring all of the usual Last Night favourites and culminating in a dramatic firework finale.

TWEETING ELIZA DOOLITTLE'S JAMAICAN JOLLY

AS SHE relaxes into her seat in a Camden coffee shop’s secret garden, Eliza Doolittle takes out her phone for a vital bit of tweeting.
Camden Square-born singer @eliza1doolittle’s got 4,792 twitter followers but after her album launch on Monday – it was this Selfridges appearance that her chipped multi-coloured nails were tapping out as a tweet – those numbers will no doubt multiply.

Single Pack Up is Top five and her eponymous debut album has won critical praise and numerous recommendations as the summer album of 2010 – and, judging by the happy Jamaica-filmed video for Pack-Up, it’s clear why.
But it’s not all about the smiles insists Eliza, who these days lives in Primrose Hill: “I like to think people will play it when it rains to cheer them up. People say it’s very happy and positive. It is but not happy, happy all the way through. It’s got thoughtful messages and some that are not the happiest topics.”

Just 22, she’s been writing since age 12, is signed to Parlophone and plays MTV presents at Dingwalls tonight (Thursday) and Club NME at Koko (July 23).

She may have gone to posh private school Channing in Highgate, “I didn’t like it very much”, and be the granddaughter of Sylvia Young, daughter of director John Caird and singer Frances Ruffelle but she doesn’t come across with a privileged air.
Eliza left school at 16, knowing all she wanted to do was make music and has been working at it ever since.
She said: “When I was about 12 I said to my mum I want to be a singer. She said start writing because that’s where the money’s at.”

Not yet a teen, Eliza copied Destiny’s Child and listened to UK garage: “I just wanted to fit in with my friends and then I grew up. I just found stuff myself...The first person I was like wow about was Stevie Wonder. It was like seeing a different colour that didn’t exist.”

Eliza celebrated her new album on Wednesday night at Highgate’s Boogaloo with family and friends.
She said on the eve of her album launch: “I was up at 12.54 and I thought Oh My God my album’s out – that was the moment I actually felt it. It feels amazing, like my whole life’s built up for this moment, I’ve been working towards it for so long.”
Eliza’s colourful album cover is a reflection of herself.

She said: “I really wanted it to be me in my world and my world’s London so there’s a lot of landmarks in there and all sorts of other things from my imagination and things I love.”
Her ideas were then interpreted by professional artists.

She was only in Jamaica for three days while shooting Pack Up. 

She said: “I thought it was so cute the idea of me coming out of a suitcase and it wasn’t too like ‘let’s try and make a really cool video with loads of effects’. (Director Paul Minor’s) references felt right, they were all from French movies and stuff. I thought it was quite sweet and romantic. It was in a war veteran bar, and all these kids and everyone came and danced. We tried to create that romantic happy vibe and Jamaica was perfect for it. I was there for three days. I didn’t really get to see everything but what I saw was so beautiful, white sand, turquoise water – like the ideal screen saver.”

Eliza can be spotted hanging out in the most “in” venues in Camden – the Lock Tavern and the Flowerpot but is sad the famous Marathon Kebab House in Chalk Farm Road no longer has a late licence.
She said: ““Sometimes you would find me at the Marathon bar at 2.30am. That was the only reason people went there. I’m on Marathon’s side. I wish it still opened later.”

She only has modest requests of water and beer (for the boys) when she when she plays gigs, mischievously promising: “I’ll wait for my moment to get divaish”, and admits she doesn’t take her wardrobe too seriously, adding: “I just have fun with it. I like lots of different colours. It gets me in the “what were you thinking” pages.”

A tour with Alphabeat appears to have left Eliza disappointed but her experiences touring with Jamie Cullum soon after were inspiring.
She said: “I went from Alphabeat where we didn’t really see them to Jamie Cullum where he was saying guys I really want you to come onstage, (afterwards) his saxophonist was knocking on the door saying come and have a drink with them. Every night I watched him play I learned new things. He was unbelievable.”

And there are big ambitions for her forthcoming Koko show: “I’m trying to make it bigger onstage we’ve got drums but it’s quite sparse. We use double bass, guitar and drums but I’m working on extending the band and bringing in someone who plays the extra, a bit of violin, flute, brass, I don’t know if that kind of person exists but i’ll try and bring him in.”

ELIZA DOOLITTLE'S DRINKS BLAG, BOMBAY BICYCLE CLUB'S ACOUSTIC MAGIC + ROCK ART COLLECTORS HEAVEN AT PROUD CAMDEN

POVERTY-stricken singers take note – Eliza Doolitle told me of a trick she stumbled across when playing the Cuban Bar at this year’s Camden Crawl. She mentioned her love of their apple crumble cocktails during her set, jokingly asking if anyone wanted to buy her a drink, and the bar staff promptly made one for her. Now she’s wondering how many other bars she can try it on with. I doubt she’ll need to use it for long, as she’s going to be able to command anything she wants on her rider soon.

• One of the most memorable moments of last year’s Mencap Little Noise Sessions at Islington’s Union Chapel was hearing the vulnerable cracked vocals and stripped-down acoustics of Bombay Bicycle Club. They plugged back in soon after, but I’ve played that acoustic show back in my head over and over since. Now there’s a chance to repeat the experience. Their acoustic album was released on Monday and their tour of cinemas and churches comes to the Union Chapel on July 22 and 23. It will be stunning.
I couldn't find any acoustic footage of Magnet on Youtube so here's Ivy and Gold at the Union Chapel last year.

• The Kenwood concerts are well under way and so far the weather’s been impeccable. But the climes are wavering so let’s hope it holds out for Will Young on Saturday and Jamie Cullum (August 14).

• Rock art collectors head down to Proud Camden on Wednesday for a live and online Teenage Cancer Trust charity live and online auction of prints shot by six of the world’s leading music photographers. Captive subjects Dave Grohl, The Libertines, Muse and many more have signed the work. Live music and the official launch of the gallery’s biggest ever exhibition Six Shooters complete the night.